I’m not sure if I should be more concerned that my favorite holiday song for the past year has been “What Are You Doing New Years Eve” or that I sing it almost on a daily basis all year round (98% of that being out of depression/grief).
Either way, it’s been a year nearly & the grief-singing is getting much more frequent. I don’t want to see 2013 go like everyone keeps telling me. I want it back. And I want it fixed.
It’s like a sweetness overload.
Oh and spoiler alert… From last week’s HIMYM
Speaking of missing Raleigh, this is my favorite piece at the Art Museum.
I really love traveling, but half of me at the moment just wants to go home to walk around Raleigh & the Art Museum.
This luggage just keeps feeling heavier & heavier the more I have to move it lol
Biltmore Estate, Asheville, NC
About to try to all across this for the second time in my life and considering I’m terrifyied of heights, this should be interesting lol
And considering that the reason I’m afraid of heights goes back to when I was nearly dropped off the side of this exact mountain when I was 4 should make it EXTRA interesting!
I can hike up a mountain & sit (relatively close) on the edge, but all me to walk across a more high swinging bridge & I will panic silently to myself for half an hour haha
Realizing you’ve lost nearly a year of your life to extreme pain that others have caused you is possibly the most terrifying and depressing thought you can have
And I’m done with it. I may still carry that pain and maybe will forever.
But I’m going to do everything in my power to stop it from taking over every day of my life. If I only get an hour a day where it doesn’t affect my thought process and decisions and emotions, I think that will be enough. But I’m tired of being lonely in a crowd, no matter how small. And I’m tired of being bloody tired. And miserable. I want happiness and I’ll be damned if I let one more person call me nothing or worth nothing on top of dealing with past pain that I can’t shake.
I will always be damaged, but I can still be happy eventually. Hopefully I will help myself by being less hard on myself & with my career & hopefully I can meet someone eventually who will help as well & support me.
And I’m writing a lot of this to try to convince myself. Because I’m an optimist/idealist with depression & a constant string of horrible events & what people say is “bad luck” (more like soul crushing pain, but bad luck it is) that causes me to fall even further past the edge. So my brain is like a walking contradiction from hell- & the poor idiot needs to be continuously convinced.
The only way I can stop myself from crying constantly in front of people is to be angry. In general & at myself, no one else.
It’s not the best method, but then again neither is crying 24/7 or openly wanting to die.
Just realized that Mickey’s ears look just like the old film reels…
I’m really overexcited about this tiny epiphany
Don’t get too close.
It’s dark inside.
It’s where my demons hide,
It’s where my demons hide.
Demons, Imagine Dragons